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She's nothing more than fiction.. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | A Moment Caught in Time ]
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[03 Nov 2005|08:53pm]
* First grade teacher's name: mrs. manos
2* Last word(s) you said: love you jade
3* Last song you sang: mike jones

4* Last person you hugged: jade

5* Last thing you laughed at: jade sending me a text saying she needs to poop
6* Last time you said I don't remember: i dont remember
7* Last time you cried: yesterday becasue of jess

9* What color socks are you wearing: I'm bare foot.

10* What's under your bed: another bed, a couple of beers
11* What time did you wake up today: 7 am

12* Current taste: jamba
13* Current hair: VERY MESSY pony tail

14* Current shirt: in n out t shirt
15* Current annoyance: no plans for tomorrow
16* Current longing: being fucked up
17* Current desktop background: a diary wiht the words "my words my soul"
18* Current worry: not having spmeone and nothing to do tomorrow

19* Current hate: nothing
20* Current favorite article of clothing: my virginia university shorts

21* Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: the way the smile and look at you
22* Last CD that you listened to: sunday drive...a burn

23* Favorite place to be: mission beach..the ocean.

24* Least favorite place: school
25* Time you wake up in the morning?: varies

26* If you could play an instrument: drums or guitar
27* Favorite colors: orange, yellow, green

28* Do you believe in love at first sight: yes
29* How tall are you: 5'2"

30* Current favorite saying: holy fuck

31* Favorite book: can you keep a secret

32* Favorite season: fall

33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: derek
35* Where do you want to go for college? BC
36* What is your career going to be like: no idea
37* How many kids do you want: 3

39* Said "I love you" and meant it: sometimes

40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish: yes

41* Been to New York: Yeah

42* Been to Florida: yes

43* Been to California: yes

44* Been to Hawaii: no

45* Been to Mexico: yes

46* Been to China: no

48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: yeah

49* Best trait someone can have: being themselves

50* Worst trait someone can have: fake, lier

51* Do you like boys or girls: sexually? boys.

52* Do you have a crush on someone: yes

53* What book are you reading now? nothing..

54* Worst feeling in the world: being alone
55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? what am I going to do today.

56* How many rings before you answer: 3

57* Future daughter's name: brooke, peyton
58* Future son's name: landon, trent, trevor
59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no.
60* Do you cry during movies: Yes

61* Wish you were: open

62* College plans: not sure.
63* Piercings: ears. 5 each

64* Tattoos: No I want one though.

65* Do you drink:yes

66* Do you do drugs: no

67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner: redken
68* What are you most scared of: alone

69* What clothes do you sleep in: big t shirt and soffees.
70* Who is the last person that called you: jade

71* Where do you want to get married: in a small church
73* Who do you really hate: no one right now.

74* Been In Love: no

75* Are you timely or always late: late
76* Do you have a job: no

77* Do you like being around people: yes

78* Best feeling in the world: complete
80* Are you a health freak: no not at all
82* Do you want someone you can't have?: yes

83* Are you lonely right now: yes kinda

84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: yes

85* Do you want to get married: yes

86* Do you want kids? yes sometimes.


87* Cried: yes

88* Bought Something: yes

89* Gotten Sick: no

90* Sang: yes

91* Said I Love You: yes

92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Liked them: yeah
93* Met Someone: yes

94* Moved On: no

95* Talked To Someone: yes

96* Had A Serious Talk: yes

97* Missed Someone: yes

98* Hugged Someone: yes

99* Yelled at Someone: yes

100* Dreamed About Someone You cant be with: yes

[27 Sep 2005|06:05pm]
Hi I write in here to discuss my feelings.
The reason I didnt talk to Jordan was because Jordan does not listen.
The reason I didnt talk to cassie is because cassie tells everyone.
The reason I didnt talk to Jade was because it was about her and I would have if she wasnt millions of miles away, so I wrote down what i was feeling because i needed to get it off my chest. Thats what I honestly think. Im not sorry if my opinions upset you. Thats apart of life.
[1] into my soul cut

[27 Sep 2005|12:52am]
I dont see how thats wrong at all whatsoever? but um okay act like a four year old. and no i didnt know you all read this. do i honestly care, not at all what so ever. just being honest. maybe the truth would help. you have said that about yourself that you just go along. so someone else said it other than you. im not starting shit, you are the one starting shit. so grow up, honestly.

[20 Sep 2005|06:58pm]
i read her journal and she was talking about it being weird me going to baltimore without her..okay well. your dad asked em to go to babysit. you didnt want to and they needed a babysitter. i just dont get why she made that a big deal..ever.

"I've been hanging out with jordan and cassie alot again. Its been fun everytime im with them, just like old times. AwW.. its so good. we are all friends again. I like how they like doing the same shit that i like doing. I miss having friends like that."

thats what she said in one of her entries.
so i guess a better friend is one who likes doing the same things as you? i was never good enough..what? like was I not a good friends cuz i would go with her to have sex with guys who were using me. like what. i was there for her for everything. everything. i really really care about her.

she really hurt.
more than jordan.

[20 Sep 2005|06:47pm]
i had a break down today.
am still crying.

it started when john broke my toothbrush bracelet from jess.
and i just couldnt stop sobbing.

Jade did everything to me jordan did.
i feel even more used by her then i ever did by jordan.
and i felt like shit cuz of jordan.

she always gave me shit for cancelling plans..but look at her..the night her grandma died we were suppossed to hang out, go to to her dads show, mall for a bit, then a movie or something. but she makes plans with james and said shell drop me off and i can spend the night at one of my friends houses..and i otld he rno just take me home..then we got the news.
she tells her mom that shes going to my house..when shes really at cassies. then going off doing "her thing"...thats worse then what jordand did...at least jordan actually was with me for some of it then snuck out..i wasnt even with jade. i just felt more used. she dumped me for cassie because cassie goes along with whatveer she wants to do. i gues i just care too much about her to let her continue to do the shit that she does. she gets mad at me when im the one getting used, she started how many fights with me because she thought i was replacing her, she says i dont do stuff for her but provide money...well if i wasnt to give money that would haevb started a fight then she would have claimed i was using her. she drops me a lot so she can go do her thing..like come on.
how come i always do everything for my best friends..but they always drop me.
whats so wrong with me.
[1] into my soul cut

[28 Aug 2005|05:06pm]
I open my bedroom window, light a candle, light some incense..and smoke 4 cigarrates.
life..is not going so great right now.

[04 Aug 2005|04:34pm]
i hooked up with this kid eddie
and at mission i hooked up with andrew
nicks one of my best friends
jade and i dont get along really anymore...
i went on an amazing trip to california wiht jordan adn she hung out with my friends and that made me so happy
i went on a trip to maryland and virginia with jade and i loved that. it was just amazing. i loved it there and i loved being wiht her.
char and i arent friends really anymore
lauras a fucking moron and i really dont like her.
im really tired.

[29 Jul 2005|12:40am]
Ever been called.....
Dumb?: yeahh
Retarded?: yep
Ugly?: of course
Hot?: yeah
Anorexic?: all the time
Fat?: yup
A waste of space? no
Useless?: yes
Smelly?: yes
A Slut?: yup
Beautiful?: yup
Smart?: yeah
Quiet?: no
Boring?: not to my face
A Bitch?: yeah
Rebel?: haha k


What are you wearing?:virginia state shirt, abes shorts
Who are you talking to?: jordan and cass
How is the weather?: hotttt
What are you listening to?: breakfast club soundtrack
What/Who are you thinking about?: chris, ants, california, jade.
What are you eating/drinking?: diet coke
What are you looking forward to?: MISSION
What are you dreading?: school
How are you feeling?: tired
How is your hair?: gross
What time is it?: 1:07
What are you annoyed by?: laura. liers, cheaters, backstabbers, untrustworthyness, immaturity, flakeyness

When Was The Last Time You...
Burped?: cant remember, today sometime
Went to the movies?: jade-today-the island
went out to eat?: tongiht
Cried?: a long time ago
Threw up?: a long time ago
Peed?: like 10 min ago
Went skating?: no idea
Went for a walk?: a couple days ago
Ate ice cream?: last night-trav and court!
Got into a fight?: tonight-my mom


Do you do drugs?: no
Do you have a mental disablity?: no
Are you on any medication for any type of disorder?:iron-anemice or whoever you spell it
Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder?: yes

Who was the last person you...
Talked to?: jordan
Yelled at?: mom
Went out to eat with?: jade and my mom
Talked to on the phone?: cassie
IMed?: jordan
Recieved an IM from?: kev
E-Mail?: no one
Fought with?: my mom

Are you...
Understanding?: with certain people
Pretty?: if i try hard
Nice?: to certain people
Hard to get?: with certain people
Confident?: yes wiht my friends, and no with people i dont know
Depressed?: nope
Hyper?: depends who i am with
Friendly?: to most
Hungry?: always
Original?: im me
Shy?: to some guys
Emotional?: yes
Immature?: sometimes
Sad?: occasionally
Trusting?: no
Healthy?: no
Sleepy?: always
Lonely?: somedays/nights
Independent?: very
Romantic?: very

Do You?...

Do you drink [alcohol]?: yes
Do you party a lot?: depends on whom im with
How often do you use the word "like" in an average hour?: i try not to use it, but i know i do too much
Do you skip classes? have
Do you steal?: yes
Do you drool over celebrities?: brad pitt duh.
Do you watch a lot of TV?: not as much as i used to
Do you ever watch the News?: yes
Do you read books often?: i try
Do you smoke cigarettes?: sometimes
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: no
Do you cuss a lot?: too much
Are you desperate to fit in?: no
Are you intelligent?: in some classes
Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: no, usually as jade calls me, i look like a hobo
Make-up?: sometimes, depends on whom im seeing later
Giggle A Lot?: no laugh

In The Last 24 hours, Have You...

Cried: no
Bought something: see's candy
Gotten sick: no
Sang: always. in jades car.
Eaten: of coures
Been kissed: nope
Felt stupid: nope
Met Someone New?: yes
Moved on: no
Had a serious talk: no
Missed someone: yes charlotte
Hugged someone: jade.
Fought with your parents: yes


Who is your role model?: kate hudson, jade
Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: duh
You ever cried over the opposite sex: yes
Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: the one completely wrong for me. but um lately ive been into jocks.
Want someone you don't have right now: no
Ever liked your best friend: yes
You want to get married: somedays
Do you want kids: somedays
Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: no
Are you happy with your life: lifes great
If you could change something in your life right now,what would it be: nothing.
Pierce your nose or tongue?: probably not.
Be serious or be funny?: depends whom im with
Do you have a crush?: no, weirdly
Who is it?: -

[06 Jul 2005|09:35pm]
*Color: orange
*Number: 9
*Food: Fries
*Boys name: Landon, Travis, Aiden
*Girls name: Yale, Jersey, Payton, Brooke
*Subject in school: history, english
*Animal: horse
*Drink: Diet Coke and Coke mix
*Celebrity: Kate Hudson, Brad Pitt, Anthony Hopkins
*Sport: Football, Basketball
*Veggie: Broccali
*Fruit: raspberries, pineapple
*Fast food place: Wendys, McDonalds
*Month: October..not cuz its my birthday month, I hate my birthday, but I love the weather..and march
*Juice: apple
*Ice Cream: coffee, mint chocolate chip
*Breakfast: waffles
*Perfume/Cologne: Ralph Lauren, armani
*Favorite cartoon character: Tinkerbelle

Have You Ever
*Given anyone a hicky: yes
*Smoked: yes
*Bungee jumped: not yet
*Broken the law: yeah
*Made yourself throw-up: yes
*Gone skinny dipping: love doing that
*Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: yup
*Eaten a dog biscuit: nope
*Put your tongue on a frozen pole: yes
*Loved someone that made you cry?: no
*Broken a bone: yup
*Played truth or dare: yup the good old days
*Been in a police car: yup
*Been on a plane: I LOVE FLYING
*Been in a sauna: love them
*Been in a hot tub: yessss
*Swam in the ocean: yes
*Broken someone's heart: nope
*Cried when someone died: eventually if not right away
*Flashed someone: hahaha wow. Hmm yup
*Lied: yup
*Laughed so hard you fell off your chair: yup
*Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: nope
*Saved e-mails: yeah
*Wished you were someone else: occasionally.
*Made out with JUST a friend?: yup
*Been rejected? of course
*Been in love? nope
*Been cheated on? yup
*Done something you regret?:nope

First Thing That Comes to Mind
*Blue: ocean
*Happy: jade
*Autumn: weather
*Cow: milk
*Greenland: far away

What Is
*Your good luck charm: jade
*Your crush: no one right now
*Your most prized possession: my friendships
*Last thing you said: I love you
*What is beside you: candle, lighter, hair clip
*Last thing you ate: fries
*Chicken pox: yeah..horrible case
*Sore Throat: have but not now
*Cold: not right now
*Stitches: nope
*Bloody nose: yeah.

Do you
*Believe in love at first sight: yes
*Enjoy parks: love
*Like picnics: YES!
*What schools have you gone to: SSJ and xavier
*Who is the last person that called you: jade
*Makes you laugh the most: jade
*Makes you smile: jade
*Can make you feel better no matter what: jade
*Was the last person you touched: jade
*You talked to last: jade
*You hugged?: jade
*You Kissed?: linds
*Told you they loved you: cassie

Do You/Are You
*Do you like yourself: sometiems
*Do you get along with your family: no
*Do you do drugs: not all the time
*Color your hair?: im guilty
*Habla espanol?: no
*Stolen anything ever?: yup
*Obsessive: yes
*Compulsive: yes
*Anorexic: not right now
*Depressed?: sometimes
*Suicidal?: no

Final Questions
*Older, younger, same age: older
*Tall or short: DEFINITELY taller
*Good or bad boy/girl: both
*sexy or cute: cute
*Dark or blonde hair: doesn’t matter
*short or long hair?: medium
*Dark or light eyes: doesn't matter
*Tan or fair: tanner but doesn’t matter
*do you notice first about a guy/girl: they way they smile and walk
*Outgoing or Quiet: a little bit of both
*Six pack: turn on but not necessity
*Muscular leg: sure.
*What do you like the most in a guy/girl: if they can make me laugh, what they do for fun, how they smile, if they look into your eyes whne they talk to you
*what time is it now?! 10

[02 Jul 2005|01:40pm]
Update of my life lately.
I had a hardcore perfect hookup with nick.
Char and i arent close friends anymore
I went on a date with Blake, and he really really liked/likes me..and we madeout twice. then i ended that cuz i didnt want to lead on.
I have been hanging out wtih brittany harrison a lot and i went to her house twice to spend the night.. last friday we went to todares and i hooked up with will and he was really aggressive and im glad i did it but i wish it went differently.
Last night i was at courts and anthony and his two guy friends came over..they were the same guys that came to my house the sunday night my parents were out of town. and i just love them and they make me laugh..and now im tlaking with chris. but i know chris and i would strictly be a hookup so im kinda bummed but glad at the same time cuz he makes me laugh and i have fun wiht them.

details later.

[07 Jun 2005|01:27am]
First best friend: Briana
First kiss on the lips: Nick
First real kiss: Jeff
First break-up: 7th grd
First screen name: Cleotaca
First self purchased album: No Doubt
First funeral: Grandpa Refnes
First pets: Fish
First true love: Never been in love. But love dearly..jordan, Jade, derek
First enemy: Kara.
First big trip: I have traveled all over the coutry. But I guess recently the cruise.
First music you remember hearing in your house: Garth Brooks-thunder roll

Last car ride: Jade
Last kiss: Blake-saturday
Last good cry: today was both a good and bad cry
Last movie seen: Sisterhood of traveling pants
Last beverage: Wine
Last food consumed: beef and wine sauce
Last crush: Nick, Will
Last phone call: Jess, Jade
Last time showered: Yesterday?
Last shoes worn: Slippers
Last item bought: Movie ticket

Where is your favorite place to shop? XI or American eagle
Any tattoos or piercings? No tattoos yet, 10 piercings

Do you do drugs? Occasionally pot
What kind of shampoo do you use? Redken
What are you most scared of? Drains, being alone, being like my parents
What are you listening to right now? Sarah Mchlauclin-Angel
Where do you want to get married? In a little church
How many buddies are online right now? 60 ish
What would you change about yourself? Forgiving too easily, being the advice giver

Color: Orange
Food: Fries
Boys' names: Landon, Travis, Aaiden
Girls' names: Yale, Jersey, Payton
Subjects in school: English
Animals: Horses
Sports: Football, basketball
Perfume: Ralph Lauren Cool
Cologne: Armani

Taken a bath with someone? No
Smoked? Yes
Made yourself throw up? Yes
Skinny dipped? Yes
Been in love? Nope
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Yea
Pictured a crush naked? yeah
Actually seen a crush naked? Yeah
Cried when someone died? Yeah
Lied? Yeah
Fallen for your best friend? Yeah, my guy ones
Been rejected? All the time
Rejected someone? Yeah
Used someone? Yeah..
Done something you regret? I try not to regret

Clothes: SSJ grad shit, vict. boxers
Music: Pepper
Make-up: None
Annoyance: My parents
Smell: vanilla
Desktop picture: pokadots
DVD in player: Notebook

Hugged: Jade
IMed: Jason B
Kissed: Blake or Nick
were with: jade and my parents
got into a fight with: My parents, laura, char

Open Minded: Yeah
Arrogant yea
Interesting: yeah
Moody: yeah
Hardworking: Yeah
Organized: No
Healthy: NO
Attractive: No
Bored: Yah
Resposible: No
Obsessed: Yeah
Angry: Yes
Sad: Yes
Disappointed: Yes
Hyper: No
Trusting: No
Talkative: Yes
Legal: No

Kill: My parents
Slap: Laura
Look Like: The one girl from troy
Talk to online: Nick

Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Flowers or Candy: Flowers
Tall or Short: Tall
Thick or Thin: Depends
Long or Short: Long

In the morning I am: Annoyed
What do you notice on a person first: The way they smile. If they look at your eyes
Last person you danced with: Linds
Worst question to ask a crying person: “So like what do you think about what I told you earlier..” …when they start talking about themselves
Who makes you laugh the most: Jade
Who makes you smile: Nick
Who gives you a funny feeling when you see them: Will and Nick
Who do you have a crush on: Nick and Will
Who has a crush on you: I don’t know.

Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: Used to
Wait to see if i don't IM somone first if they will IM me: Haha yeah
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Sometimes
Wish you were younger: Sometimes

Of times i have had my heart broken: once
Of hearts i have broken: none
Of girls i've kissed: I kiss everyone. Guys girls, everyone. Too many to count..
Of continents i have lived in: One
Of tight friends: not enough
Of cds i own: Too many


1 I do not trust anyone.
2 Im beyond insecure
3 I’m 5’1, size 5 feet, 115 pounds, and D boobs. Im abnormal
4 I wonder if I would still act the same if I complete started over, like moved where no one knew me
5 Im a day dreamer
6 im a hopeless romantic
7 Sometimes I feel like my mind is older than I am.
8 I don't really like meat
9 I’m jealous of all my friends relationships with their parents
10 I become obsessed with one guy, and miss lots of opportunities for happiness with others


1 Cozomul, Mexico
2 Boston
3 New York City
4 Nantucket
5 Victoria, Canada
6 Chicago
7 Maine
8 Bahamas
9 Up and down coast of California


1 Change someones life
2 Have real love, the kind they write the stories about
3 Make a name for myself on my own
4 Be on my own
5 Travel the world
6 Learn 3 languages
7 Write a book
8 Be happy


1 Make me Laugh.
2 Be spontaneous, always keeping me guessing
3 Look at me, really look at me
4 Listen and Talk
5 Honesty, always.
6 Do the little things
7 Strive to be above the typical guy


1 Myself
2 Fate
3 Love
4 Hope
5 Freedom
6 Happiness


1 Sometimes when I help people, like the guys, with their problems..specifically girl problems, I usually just want to scream..why not me
2 I love reading.
3 Sometimes I think I do have serious problems and probably should get help.
4 I honestly don’t know who I am
5 I find myself trusting guys more then I trust girls


1 Classic Rock
2 Alternative
3 Classical
4 Country


1 Jade
2 Charlotte
3 lately Nick and Carter


1 My independence
2 My hope

stay open, who knows, lightning could strike

[30 May 2005|04:29pm]
I had two parties this weekend.

Sexuality and Relationships
Are you straight, gay, or bisexual?: straight
How many people have you kissed in your life?:
Shit. That’s a lot. I kiss all my guys friends hello and goodbye at parties or like if the nights over and im leaving somewhere. Everyone calls me “the kissing slut”.. but like kisses that meant something…6-7
Have you ever made out with a member of the same sex?: yup
How many sexual partners have you had?: 0. cuz im a virgin..but hardcore shit-2
How many people have you dated this past year?: none
Where are your favorite places to be kissed?: I love pecks. Like that turns me on the most. And I think it’s the most romantic and so cute and it just makes me smile. But I suppose my favorite type of kiss is where they move my hair out of my face..and kiss my lips/cheek…like it was meant to be a kiss on the cheek but they went closer.
Do you kiss on the first date?: yea..never been on a date..but like kiss the first time we meet yeah
Would you ever pay someone for sex?: nope
Would you ever let someone pay you for sex?: nope
Do you keep your eyes open when you kiss?: sometimes I open them just because. But usually they are closed.
Do you think you've met the person you'll spend the rest of your life with?: No. I have not.
Have you ever regretted a hook-up?: Regrets are a waste of time. Everything is meant to happen for a reason.
Would you date or marry someone if your parents or friends didn't accept them?: You cant help how you feel. That’s what I tell everyone.
Would you kiss someone if you didn't love them?: yes
Are you always horny?: No
Do you prefer to chase or be chased?: I love the chase. I don’t really know why. Its nice knowing tho, that you aren’t the one always thinking about someone, that someones actually thinking bout you
What is your kissing pet peeve?: cant really think of any
How many people have you said "I love you" to and meant it?: jade, Jordan, derek
Have you ever given anyone a bath?: Jordan—showered her
Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone?: Im not over Derek. Im not over will. and im not over nick.
What do you notice first about guys or girls?: the way they smile. And if they look at my eyes when they talk to me
Are you friends with your ex?: yeah
Have you ever cheated on someone?: no
Have you ever been cheated on?: nope I don’t think
What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?: Derek was really sweet. Nick poogi visited me all the time when I was sick and so on. He was always the sweetest guy. When im alone with nick n..he makes me feel special
What do you look for in your ideal mate?: That they can handle me. Knows when I want to be with him, and when I want some space. They have to be funny and make me laugh. And crazy and outgoing and spontaneous. They have to know how to treat a girl.
Biggest Turn-ons: when a guy pulls me into him..anyway..by my head..waist..back. and when they peck me and move my hair behind my ears
Turn-offs: touching my back and stumach
Do you get jealous of your boyfriends/girlfriends other exes: im jealous of Christina and will..jealous of nick, wendy, jess

What religion are you?: atheist
Do you got to church regularly?: No
Do you believe in God?: no
Satan?: yes
Angels?: Yes
Heaven?: your own happy place
Are you a virgin?: yea
What do you think of abortion?: it’s a different experience for everyone. Don’t force your beliefs on individuals…that is what is wrong.
Suicide?: I feel so bad for the family and loved ones left behind
Flag burning?: people deal with anger in their own way
War?: Sometimes talking about shit doesn’t work. Sometimes you need to take action. People who think shit can be solved without war are so clueless. Same with people who think this war wasn’t need.
Pop music?: rot in hell

What are you wearing?: nicks hat, pj bottoms, acdc shirt
Who are you talking to?: jess, nick, jade, laura, paul
How is the weather?: hottt
What are you listening to?: kona town cd on repeat
What/Who are you thinking about?: how I need to do my hw. How nick asked me to go out to dinner with him after his alcohol class he has to take for his mic. How much I wish I could be with him. And how we just had a fight. And my two parties. And how unbelievably cool my brother is.
What are you eating/drinking?: diet coke/coke mix
What are you looking forward to?: nothing really. Maybe this weekend will be cool. Hopefully ill see carter, travis, steven, and nick
What are you dreading?: I don’t really know, but I have this horrible like dreading feeling..does that make sense?
How are you feeling?: tired. Lonely.
How is your hair?: curly..need to straighten it
What time is it?: 1245AM
What are you annoyed by?: when your best friend hooks up wth the guy you like and is all over him right infront of you then proceeds to talk about ti all the nxt couple days. When the guy you like doesn’t like you and seems to really like the worst girls. When people who call you best friends don’t even talk to you or call you back or hang out with you but now hang out with people they used to hate. When you look really good some nights and no one has a camera to take pics
When Was The Last Time You...
Burped?: today
Kissed?: sunday
Had sex?: not really no.
Went to the movies?: last week sometime
Went out to eat?: to a restaurant? Thursday with char
Cried?: yesterday
Got dumped?: like it seems to be a weekly thing.
Dumped someone?: cant remember
Threw up?: long time ago
Peed?: 5 min ago
Went skiing/snowboarding?: never have
Went for a walk?: saturdya
Ate ice cream?: Friday..bite of it at gay dennys at 4 in the morning
Got into a fight?: today with nick
Are You
insecure?: yes
interesting?: yes
random?: completely
hungry?: a lot
moody?:beyond belief
hardworking?: with things I care bout
organized?: not at all
healthy?: not at all
attractive?: depends
responsible?: not at all
obsessed?: completely
angry?: a lot of the time
sad?: most of the time
happy?: I always seem to be happy
hyper?: on weekends and with jade
talkative?: god yes

Who do you want to
Kill?: charlotte
Kiss?:nick or will
Slap?: wendy
Look like?: the one Helen girl from troy
Talk to offline?: nick, jade, jess
Talk to online?: will
Random Questions
Coke or Pepsi?: Coke
What do you collect?: dead flowers, shot glasses, alcohol bottles
Number of cds you own?: 10000
Number of scars on my body?: millions
What are your bad habits?: chewing on pens, being the advice giver, letting my friends get away with the shit they do and say


[03 May 2005|05:46pm]
nick and i are "done" or whatever.
i helped fix things between him and jess.
they both thanked me for like an hour
i cried forever.

hes just not that into me.

[01 May 2005|10:43pm]
thursday night nick told me he likes me and this girl hannah
and that he basically chose her cuz hes liked her for a while
then friday he asks to hang out
and we do
and we hook up for the first, and only time.
it was perfect.
saturday we talked, and he was perfect. and wonderful.
then he goes off to prom.
with this junior girl.
and he hooks up with her best friend
and.."it clicked"
and she likes him back. i guess.
and jess called me sobbing cuz she admitted she secretly has feelings for him.
and i feel like shit, not only because i lost nick, but cuz of jess.
and i tell jess.
and shes fine with it. and she said shes so proud of me, but then she started sobbing again about it all.
and nick and i havent even really talked.
and its killing me.
ive been crying.
i liked him a lot.
i wanted this a lot.

first i hook up with trey hardcore and then he finds some other girl and likes her. then i fall for nick hardcore, and he meets someone else as well. i cant deal wtih this.

i still want a friendship with nick tho.
i cant lose that.
[1] into my soul cut

[17 Apr 2005|05:27pm]
So i was cleaning out my computer and I found this letter i wrote to jordan after ben hit her and she was suppossed to move to california. and I remember the night i found out my whole family was over and i just stayed in my room and sobbed for 3 hours. then i remember buying flowers for her and her mom and bringing this letter and then trying to read it to her and crying.

heres teh letter
I dont even know where to start. Just thinking about everything, all of it, sitting around looking at pictures, reading old journals and old notes, just thinking about it all. Every other note, picture, journal entry, had you in it. You became the biggest, most important thing in my life. I always said that my ranch was my happy place, the place that I went to just to brake away from it all, and just feel good. but really, your my little happy place, as corny and weird as that sounds. You changed me, helped me, helped me get through every moment, of every day, of every year. My life got better when you entered it, when you walked into my life. and i just hope that i gave back to you as much as you gave to me. I was one of the lucky ones, the lucky one to have someone like you in their life. You are the glue, the perfect, wonderful, beautiful thing that held me together every single day. Know how good you are, how great you are, how you have affected so many people, how many people love you. You were there for every major thing in my life, all the bad, and all the good, you were always there. Most people arent this lucky, this blessed to have such a perfect friend; such a perfect best friend. When I heard that you might be leaving, I thought my life was over. I didnt know how I could possibly get through every day, all of high school, every year without you. All I needed everyday was to know that you were right there, willing to be my friend. We didnt even have to talk every single day, I still knew you were always there. I just cant stress to you how lucky I am to have a friend like you. I had no one I could count on, until you walked into my life. I dont know where I would be without you.You understood, you always have. You got me, and you know how hard that is. You always knew, and and always have known, everything I'm thinking, everything I'm feeling, and I just think "what did I do to deserve you." I love you. I love how you make me laugh, how you enjoy life, how you bring out the motherly in me, I just love you. I have never been able to trust and care for anyone as much as I have for you. No one else has my trust, my compassion, as much as you do. Life just made sense with you, it worked, it was better, just because you were my best friend. You stood by me, believed in me, like no body ever has. When life was turning hellish, you were always right there, always. You make me see how lucky i am, you bring out the best in me, you always have, and always will. You gave me so much; your trust, your friendship, your love, your strength and hope, you gave it all. I am who I am because of you; because of you. I'm sorry for everything you are going through, no one as great as you deserves this. If you have to leave

You're my best friend, and no one will ever be to me the way that you were, no one will ever have that place in my heart.

You're my best friend

god. thats so sad. a best friendship down the drain. how fucking pathetic actually. She chose adam over me. she ran away, I had to deal with all the shit. then a month and a half later she appologizes over the fucking internet. I was with ym xavier friends (who were also there the night i had to deal wtih her mom and the police and saw how the police were to me and how mrs p was to me) and they all got so pissed at her and typed to her. i didnt even say anything to her..but to my friends who were there when jordan IM me and appologized i said "wow you really care..it only took you a month and a half to give me a half ass apology"

she was saying bullshit about how she loves me and illalways be her best friend. prove it.

[16 Apr 2005|12:47am]
he told me he liked me and wanted to try things out..

[14 Apr 2005|09:03pm]
i fell for him

even tho i tried so hard not to.

[10 Apr 2005|09:03pm]
(x)i have a cell phone
( )i am an only child.
(x)i am a shopaholic....
(x)i luv/like dangly earrings
(x)i have smoked a cigarette before.
(x)i have done/doing drugs
( )i am an alcoholic
(x )i love cold weather.
( )i am obsessed with the computer
(x)i have shot a gun before.
(x) i cant live without music
(x )i have no tolerance of ignorant people.
( )i have ridden on a motorcycle before.
( )i'll be in this town forever.
( )i've been to 5 other countries.
(x) i get annoyed easily
(x)i eventually want kids.
( )i have neat handwriting
( )i have more then a few horrible memories
(x)i am addicted to chocolate
(x)i have siblings
(x)my parents are strict.
(x)i love airplane rides.
(x)i luv taking pictures
(x)i hate people who r fake.
(x)i can be mean when i want to
(x)my parents care about my grades.
(x)one of my best friends is a guy
( )i have way too many purses.
(x)im obsessed with lip gloss
(x) im easy to talk to
(x) i cry easily
(x)i hate when people are late
(x?)i procrastinate...
(x )i love winter.
(x )i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
(x)i love to sleep.
(x)i wish i were smarter.
( )i'm afraid of flying.
(x)i HATE drama.
(x)i bite my nails...
(x)i have been on a 8 hour car ride...
( )i never fight with my parents.
(x)i love the beach....
( )i have never had the chicken pox...
(x)i have gone out in public in my pajamas
(x)i can't control my emotions.
(x)i have a best friend.
( )i have moved more than once.
(x)i truly love my friends.
(x)i have/had braces.
(x)i love to write.
(x)i have never broken a bone.
(x)i luv my computer
(x)i love guys that play the drums...
(x)i state the obvious...
(x)i'm a happy person...
(x)i love to dance.
(x )i love to sing...
()i love cleaning my room.
(x )i tend to get jealous very easily.
(x )i love cute boxers
(x)i love night better than day.
(x)i have been on the phone for over 5 hours at a time.
(x)i don't like to study for tests.
(x)i have had pneumonia.
( )i am too forgiving.
(x)i have horrible sense in direction.
(x)i miss elementary school.
( x)i love kisses on my forehead.
(x)i love the color pink.
( )i love to sew.
(x)my eye color changes...
(x)i should see a therapist.
()i played on a guys sports team.
(x)i become stressed easily.
(x)i hate liars.
(x )i like comfy sweatpants.
( )i can play the piano.
(x )i love the smell of rain.
( )i love my family.
(x)i hate needles.
( )i am a perfectionist.
(x)i always wanted to learn to play the guitar.
(x)i hate the feeling of failure.
(x)i have friends in other countries.
( )i know how to cook.
( )i can speak another language.
(x)at times i can be quite selfish.
(x)at times, i still act like a little kid.
(x)i have allergies.
(x)i luv to read
(x)i wish i were more motivated for school.
(x)i love getting stuff in the mail.
(x)i have problems with letting go of old feelings/memories
(x)i hate being alone.
(x)i love summer.
(x)i love the weekends.
(x)i love black eyeliner.
( )i type with one hand.
(x)i live in a house.
(x)i wear make-up.
( )i have never rode on an underground subway.
( )i can't swim.
(x)i have a bad memory.
( )i go to church.
(x)i sing in the shower.
( )i have never been camping.
( )i hate cheerleaders.
( )i usually get what i want.
(x)i have been on stage before.
(x)i love roller coasters.
(x)no one knows the full story of my life.
( )i am close with my parents.
( )i don't have a curfew
( )i like hot girls
(x)i am single
(x)i have been single for more then a month
(x)i want a boyfriend or someone to hookup with
(x)i am alone right now
(x)i like men
(x)i sleep in a bed

[06 Apr 2005|06:37pm]
Put an x in front of the things that apply to you.

Have you ever...

(x) smoked a cigarette
( x) smoked a cigar.
(x) smoked a joint
( ) crashed a friend's car
(jordans moms?) stolen a car
() been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
() been fired
(x ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
() made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
() been to Europe
(x) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
() had a crush on one of your myspace friends
(x) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
() seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
() thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
() eaten Sushi
() been snowboarding
() met someone in person from the internet
( ) been moshing at a concert
() been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x ) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x)built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/SCHOOL
() used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(x) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
() run a red light
() been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
() witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
() been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
() been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskatin
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in public
() ate dog/cat food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
(x) pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name?
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair?
( ) grown a beard
( ) belong to the KKK.
( ) rule at life.

[05 Apr 2005|01:00am]
charlotte was talking to matt today and he said he could see himself going out with me
thats cute. but weird.
like i love him so much.
he sends me texts saying "i fucking love you"
i dunno i just need guy friends right now.

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